37. Off-Campus Housing

This ol' house...

After two years of meal plans, RAs, and “quiet hours,” many Tufts people like to venture to the blissful dreamland known to its inhabitants as Off-Campus Housing. This magical place has been heard of in tales passed down from generation to generation. Legends of “The Greatest Party Ever,” and “The Most Awesome Sex I Had While My Roommate Was Still Present” have taken place in this beautiful land.

Although many Jumbos have only dreamed of Off-Campus Housing, it doesn’t mean reaching it is impossible. But be forewarned! The journey to Off-Campus Housing is fraught with peril. Only those brave enough to endure the hardships have attempted it and even fewer have succeeded. If you believe you’re courageous enough, be prepared to meet the following trials en route to glorious Off-Campus Housing:

1. Squirrelly half friends who you only half like but need in order to fill up your house
2. Oil heating
3. Crazy Landlady from Hell
4. Crazy Landfamily Who Lives In The Basement
5. Squirrelly half friends who you only half like because they assume they are living with you when they are not.
6. Lease deadlines
7. Safety deposits
8. Coercing everyone and their mother to sublet from you during winter break
9. Rodents
10. Listening to other Tufts people celebrate when they’ve finally signed their own lease

Once you have endured all these hardships, rejoice! You are one of the few and proud citizens of Off-Campus Party City. Meal plans? Ha! Cooking for yourself is so much resourceful anyway. Turn up that Ke$ha song at 3AM; your housemates certainly won’t care, right? And screw hall snacks; real housemates bond over post-party cleanup sessions.

Might we even suggest… hall sports?


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